1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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