I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
