i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
