I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Randomize
