I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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