Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
where does the pee come out of this thing
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
