I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
no you cant smoke seaweed
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
