You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
