Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
