Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Randomize
