I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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