this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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