That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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