why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
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