I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
