Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
This is my gift to your gina
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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