yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Randomize
