it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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