Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
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