i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
