My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
