omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
he told me I talked like a deaf person
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Found the puke drawer
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
