I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
