Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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