420 ftw
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
