i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Randomize
