____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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