when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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