youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
