chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
