Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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