you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
