You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
