Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
