I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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