I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
