Cold hands, warm shart.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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