There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
