did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
