i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
