remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
