She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
