I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
