One girl and one boy is just not enough.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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