After last night, I could never be a politician.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
