oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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