peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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