Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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