can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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