Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
