I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
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