How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
