No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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