He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
